Hello and how are we all?
I spent 9 days in the hospital recently, stuck mostly to a hospital bed, hooked up to monitors and things that glow and go beep. Going to the bathroom was an ordeal. Everything was an ordeal. I look back and remember things I don’t wish to remember. Failing veins. Blood thinners. A central line in my whoo hah. Arguing with nurses.
Unable to breath without oxygen. That was scary.
I was pretty prepared when I got to the hospital. I had packed a bag, clothes to come home in, dressed in a lounger. Spawn bought things for me when it became obvious that I was going to be there more than a day or two. I bled all over one pair and those will probably be soaked for days in hydro peroxide. Washed many times to get the blood out.
His nightly package runs became the highlight of my day. Twizzlers. Church’s Chicken. Dry shampoo and clothing. He touched this. I’m touching it too!
I’m a rather tongue in cheek person and sometimes I don’t’ think some people get my sense of humor. It’s part of my armor. Necessary. Just before this all blew up, someone had a massive melt down in my garden, and I’m convinced they completely misunderstood what I was trying to do, trying to make light of a situation I was currently staring at and not knowing what else to do. And I might discuss that at a later date.
Or let it go.
I ruminated much too much on an incident in late November/early December, wondering how I could have handled that differently and maybe the outcome would be different. What I could have said, should have said. Can it be fixed? Do I want it fixed? Does the other party want it fixed? I don’t think so, to be honest.
But I digress.
You see, when you look at the numbers of this disease, 97% who get it have such mild symptoms. A few have rough time, but stay home and are just whipped after 10 days.
And then there is the less than 3% and I fell into that category.
You see, I’m a tough bitch. I am. My feet hit the floor and Satan says – omg, she’s up. I’ve been healthy as an ox this entire episode. Social distance, went out rarely. My inability to wear a mask is known in my medical circle. Everyone is crying ‘woe is me’ and I”m rather… over less than 3%?
People say – but the US has such a high number – so much higher than Europe!!!
Have you superimposed a map of Europe over the US? Done the population comparisons? When you do the population ratio, our numbers just aren’t that high.
But I digress.
When I got this disease, I thought I’d be sick a week. Drink the cough syrup, take the Tylenol sinus, lay in bed, lose some weight. Double up the vitaminn c and zinc. Miss the first week back for teachers. It’s good. I”m good.
I was wrong.
See, I kinda sorta ‘forgot’ (not) that I Have a fragile respiratory system. That I don’t fend off things quickly or easily anymore.
I’m not that tough. Don’t tell.
I”m going to be honest. When I got to the hospital and all of my veins ruptured, I got really scared. I didn’t think I was going to make it. My last look at my son was his look of terror when they told him he couldn’t come in with me. Go home. And I didn’t want THAT to be my last look at my son.
So I prayed. And prayed and prayed and prayed.
I have a good friend I’ve reconnected with last year. We worked together before we married others. It’s been… 35 years? We’re older, wider, have health issues. We laugh at the same things. We hate the aging process. Neither one of us want anything more than this friendship. Yesterday, he told me – I didn’t want to say this, but I honestly thought you were a goner. I don’t know how you survived. You’re so lucky, you are blessed! Don’t forget it!
I know that.
When I tested positive and posted it on my Facebook, every friend I have became an expert, a doctor. Take this, do this, do that, drink this, ask for this, ask for that…
Most of it was already too late.
I know many probably think I was nuts blogging while ‘dying’. I was reminding myself – I’m still here. I do not want the last vision of my son being that look…
but slowly, things moved forward.
One of the things we packed was my laptop. Crazy, my life is on it. School work, movies, books. Nurses would laugh at me – all propped up in bed, binge watching the Mandalorian with Baby Yoda.
I rewatched the first season of The Witchblade. I saw it when it first aired in 1990 and loved it. Didn’t realize there was a 2nd season. I’m kinda… disappointed. The second season is a repeat of season one with changes. The Wielder chose to go back in time and do it again, to save her partner, her friends, and her lover. She remembers flashes, but not experiences. So it’s the same, but different. I don’t know what to think. Don’t know if I want to finish Season 2 right now. Her arch-nemisis has gone from an extremely wealthy manipulative man, to pure unstoppable evil.
I don’t know if I can deal with that right now.
I read a book – the Seven Forges. Beginning of a series. I don’t know. It was good, but it left on such a cliffie and there are 6 more. And they aren’t cheap.
I went window shopping and I bought stuff. Clothes. Shoes. Music for school. A dance work out because one of the things done to me was I was shot up with steroids and I’m swollen. I am one solid bruise. I took a shower yesterday – sat in it and let it rain over me. I came out smelling like roses and Fuji Sunset and I did a hydration mask and slouched off all the hospital skin. Left it on for 30 minutes and just kept rubbing the moisture in. And then I took a good look at my body, my stomach, my arms, my girly bits that are purple and beaten because they put a central line there.
I look like I’ve been in a fight. I have been in a fight.
But I survived.
I watched shows. I read a book. I bought stuff. I’m learning to breath without an oxygen mask.
And that vision of my son’s shocked and terrified expression wasn’t the last I saw. The next time I saw him, he was smiling and crying and had his arms outstretched – Mom! MOM! I love you! You’re coming home with me!!!
Yesterday, he made me fresh out of the can chicken noodle soup, with crackers and pepper. Lots of pepper. It was so good. He waits on me hand and foot, makes fun of the amount of water I’m drinking. It’s good. At some point, we’re going to have to clean out the frig. Things are coming alive!
He listened for me in the shower, ready to rescue my naked ass if necessary. Would be done with lots of blushing and trying NOT to look. Luckily, it unnecessary.
This weekend, I might write. I want a pedicure and a chin wax. Not happening. I might watch the Stranger. Overdue. I need to pick a new book to read.
I’m window shopping again. Ignoring the flash sale that has 3 of my wishlist items at ridiculously low prices. I’m not so sure what my finances will be in 6 weeks. Time will tell.
I call mom and dad every evening. Mom seems a tad more lucid right now when talking. She knows who I am. She wants to come down and take care of me. Reminded me she gave me my first bath, no covid is going to scare her off. She’s depressed. None of their friends come around. Dad just says – I love you, baby. Get well.
I have a fat cat stalking the house thinking he’s hungry. I woke up at 5 AM this morning and I was hungry. Not tasting much, but I can eat.
My doctor and I are going to have to have a sit down and a long talk. My sugars are crazy. They checked every 4 hours and insulin-ed me one way to the other. I don’t like it. It only drove them up. The hospital doctor told me – I know you think you’re tough, but you’re not young. You are of an age and your respiratory system is so very fragile.
I’m going to go back to bed. Take a breathing treatment. I’ve had breakfast; I’m hankering for pork fried rice and an egg roll for lunch. And sherbet!
I’m going to display my very pretty masks I can’t wear. I dunno – the bulletin board… and ignore the flash sale with the things I’ve wish-listed that are now cheaper than shit.
No one should go through this. There is as special place in hell for whoever created this disease and turned it loose on the world.
I’m going to move forward slowly. The turtle is my spirit animal.
And I might watch The Stranger.
Y’all love each other. You don’t know how much time you have. You don’t know what the last look of your loved one will be. You don’t. Take life by the horns and shake by God you will walk with me by my side or not! But I’m walking!